About two years ago, I was being examined by my cardiologist and as he looked at my torso, he commented that it looked like railroad tracks. He had been my cardiologist for 30 years and was quite aware of the multiple procedures I’ve had to leave so many scars. I’ve had by-pass surgery twice. It’s not just the long scar on my chest, but also multiple small scars from so many tubes that were in me for my times in the hospital. I’ve had an atherectomy once that failed and stents four times. One of those procedures didn’t work leading to my second by-pass. I had a nice scar on my upper left chest for the placing of a pacemaker/defibrillator, and then nine months later cutting the exact scar again to remove the pacemaker/defibrillator as the wires damaged my tricuspid valve causing severe leaking. And each leg has a nice scar where they harvested a vein to be used in the by-pass surgery. All of the problems leading to these procedures took a toll and I now deal with congestive heart failure. C’est la vie?
Yesterday I was examined by another Dr who said I looked like a “roadmap.” Now that registered with me and I found it to be a more accurate description of where I am and what my torso reflects. My body displays the multiple things that have happened to me. But only on the surface. I often get so tired of dealing with this diagnosis of heart disease that not only doesn’t go away, but leaves me wondering how much time I have left on this earth. I’m not afraid of death, as I experienced it multiple times and once for 18 minutes. It was after that experience where I encountered God in ways I’d never known Him. Dreams, visions, and audible words. A thirst to know Him as I never had and beseeching Him to draw me closer, as I knew I could not achieve that in just my own seeking. I came to a point that I stated as Paul did in Philippians 3:10 that I too wanted to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings. Then I realized that was me being caught up in a moment of ecstasy that I would not be able to sustain. I wasn’t able to put aside that which I was going through and much less add to my plate. We all have roadmaps that are often visible on our bodies, our countenances, or our lives. Can I honestly say as Paul did in 2 Corinthians 4 that even though my body seems to be falling apart, inwardly I am being renewed, sustained by His grace? I must not focus on that which is seen, but that which is unseen, because the things that are not seen are eternal.
Oswald Chambers said we have a greater capacity for pain than for joy. It’s only during our sorrow and pain that we begin to find there is only one reality – our Lord Jesus Christ. Yet often as we do our best to avoid anything that is bereft of comfort, we miss an opportunity to find both counsel and solace in His presence. For He is there going through these ordeals with us. I, like most, want to always avoid painful situations. I am not a masochist. In the physical or spiritual sense. But I often ask just as David did in Psalm 13, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” Or even closer to what I ask in Jeremiah 15 where Jeremiah asks the Lord, “Why is my pain perpetual and my wound incurable, which refuses to be healed? Will you surely be to me like an unreliable stream, as waters that fail?” But do not misunderstand me. I constantly talk with God. Without that I would be truly lost. And I know His mercies endure forever and He never has His eyes off me. Yet I still find myself more focused on the roadmap that does not bring me to a destination I’d prefer, rather than that which He has marked for me. We all have a roadmap leading to a glorious destination in/with Him.
Situations, and just life, have me where I spend quite a bit of time alone. Yet I speak with Him and listen for direction. I have copious notes from things I hear from Him and that which is highlighted to me in my readings. Though there are many hours alone, I am not. And I have a family that is supportive and loving. Friends that care and are dependable. So, I have more than many. We all have roadmaps that may appear to be rocky terrain but it can eventually lead to a secure place in Him. The prophet Habakkuk said in chapter 3 that even when things fail and seem to be without prospect, that “The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet. And He will make me to walk on MY high hills.” Speak with Him always. Share your hopes and your doubts. Are we just grateful for everyday sustaining grace or am I just fixated on total healing and therefore may be left wanting? Do I ask out only out of desperation or am I looking to seek His face above all things? May the God of mercies help us all get to a place where we are able to comfort those who are in trouble with the same comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1). Press on toward the goal – for that upward goal which Christ has for us. I pray His direction in helping us all navigate the paths on our personal roadmaps and the ability to see His hand helping you. In your travels and revelation, I pray Romans 15:13 for you: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Blessings.
Stand My Watch 